It’s been 20 days since I last binged. I owe a lot of that to my tumblr friends and to creating this blog. I post all of the things I need to remember for myself, and by posting them I come to believe them. My ED has been my secret for a long time. Not that it was THAT much of a secret – I did gain weight. But I think most people, if they guessed why, would have just guessed I’m lazy and I eat like shit. Not that I actually binge on food and feel horrible, awful things about myself when I do it. That I don’t eat all day to punish myself for last night’s binge, only to binge again that night. To literally hate myself, and to hate food, and hate everything that comes along with it, and after all that hate, I still binge. I’ve figured out that I need to care about myself enough to want to change. There is no junk in my house, so nothing is easily available. If I want something, I will have to cook it. And all I have is lots of meat, fruit and veggies. Nothing unhealthy.
I am in a 12 step program for other addictions I have. I found out that a friend in that program also has an ED and goes to OA meetings. She gave me several books to look at. So this week, I am going to go to my first OA meeting. I think I’m moving in the right direction.
I’m happy with my choices for a change.